A Look Back at the Life of Laura Hibbs McKenzie on her Twenty-Something Birthday (Featuring Special Guest Blogger Jim)

DISCLAIMER: The following was written by James McKenzie, and is in no way affiliated with or approved by the main author of this blog. If you are expecting the quality of writing typically displayed in previous posts, you will be sorely disappointed.  Reader discretion is advised.

For those of you who follow this outstanding blog, you may recognize me as an often-cited character.  I am typically depicted (accurately) as the out-of-touch husband who is about 6-12 months behind on popular culture events.  What you may not know is that I have been dating/married to Laura for a little over a decade.  There is some minor disagreement as to when we started dating, it was either September 18th or 19th of 2004 when I suavely asked her out via AOL Instant Messenger. This was after the first Prep Mixer of our Junior year of high school.  Needless to say, it has pretty much worked out between us, and I know that I could not be happier to be with her.  As part of her birthday/weekend/week/month, I thought I would give blogging a shot.  They say that imitation is the highest form of praise, so here we go:

Laura Hibbs was born on June 12th, 1988.  She was born to Victoria and Vincent Hibbs and was briefly the only child of the family, a glorious time indeed.  She was a few weeks premature and will tell you that as a newborn she resembled a chicken.  Failing to grow feathers or a beak, she was a little girl living in the beautiful town of Drexel Hill.  Growing up, she would spend most of her time torturing her younger sister Ali and taking hilarious Christmas photos.

Our Young Chicken

Our Young Chicken

Fast Forward 16 years and we get to one of the coolest birthday celebrations: Laura’s 16th birthday.  There was a moonbounce, I repeat, A MOONBOUNCE, at the party.  From what I heard from our many friends in attendance (I unfortunately was not invited as Laura did not know who I was) it was considered one of the greatest parties to occur both on Eaton Road and the surrounding Delaware Valley.  In a time before Twitter, this party was trending #Laura2K4 #516Eaton #Moonbounce #ScottHibbsAteAllTheCake

Doesn't look like that much fun...sigh

Doesn’t look like that much fun…sigh

This was just one of the many high school parties that Laura would attend.  Some were approved by our parents, and some less so (cough, cough Hawktion/Shauction).  Nevertheless, using her God-given talents of hiding in bushes for hours and some adolescent cellphone savvy, Laura rarely, if ever, was actually caught in any kind of undue behavior.  I believe the statue of limitations has passed on all alleged indiscretions, but for the sake of her privacy no photographic evidence will be divulged during this post.

Laura graduated from The Country Day School of the Sacred Heart in 2006 earning high marks in effort, chemistry, mathematics, history with Mr. Saylor, goaltending for the Field Hockey Team, dressing up like a colonial peasant, and too many other distinctions to list.  In her yearbook senior year, Laura’s Likes would include (a pre-pubescent) Scott Hibbs and Dislikes of Penny, her Dalmatian cousin with a heart of gold.

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#PrivateEducation #CDSSH

Laura matriculated to The Pennsylvania State University the following summer where she majored in Journalism.  I had the pleasure of visiting Laura dozens of times in Happy Valley but never saw a single classroom or textbook anywhere on campus.  I still believe that the institution had a secret agreement amongst one another to spend four years having the time of their collective lives and give each other a secret wink and handshake at “commencement”.  But I digress.  In her junior and senior year Laura was one of 11 girls to live in an enormous house on Nittany Avenue where despite the fact that 11 girls (ELEVEN) lived together, this was not considered sorority.  Her house was known as a key cog in the party machine that was PSU at the time, and often a popular place for B-list rappers to wind down after a local concert (#Gunz)

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WE ARE…. (not going to class) PENN STATE!!

Laura then turned 21 years old.  She would celebrate the milestone on the island of Sea Isle whilst maintaining a clean and certainly livable shorehouse comfortably nestled just above the fine eating establishment known as Shoebies.  Her family would join her in the celebration, some of the members of the family drinking perhaps double what Laura would imbibe that day.  Live music and no-showers were had in the many happy hours that followed.  Despite the unjust (Read: justified) removal of a former Prep graduate from one of the local watering holes (#freeMendez) the evening went off without a hitch.  Well, maybe not exactly without a hitch, but pretty much as well as a late calendar-year 21st birthday should go.

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#Girlfriends

A few short years later came the best day of my life and certainly the best party I have enjoyed with Laura, our wedding.  On March 9th, 2013 it was your typical early March Saturday: seventy degrees and sunny.  We would be married at Saint Andrew’s Church where Laura would receive a standing ovation for putting up with me for all of these years.  The band was great, the Photo Booth an absolute hit, and Laur would get to enter her reception to the words of her idol Beyonce, a dream come true

Crazy in Love

Crazy in Love

These memories are but a few highlights to a wonderful life surrounded by family, friends, and fun.  Those of you who are lucky enough to know Laura know that she is a kind, honest, patient, and great person.  Her energy and excitement for life invigorates those around her.  She has a penchant for all things social, whether it is getting under the skin of a Real Housewife or calling out Andy Cohen for his marijuana habits.  She will give her all to anything she puts her mind to, and will be the first one at your side if you need her.

So to you, Laur, thanks for giving me the opportunity to share my life with you.  I am so #blessed to be with you and get the chance each year to note just how special a date June 12th, 1988 truly was.  I love you and always will.

XOXO

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VERY IMPORTANT THANKSGIVING ROLL UPDATE

Just wanted to give a quick update on our very important, documented Thanksgiving task.

F*cking nailed it. #breadwinners #thanksgiving

A post shared by Laura Hibbs McKenzie (@hibbsdontlie_) on

F*ucking nailed it. Some reviews:

“Greatest rolls to ever grace the state of Pennsylvania.” — My Mom

“Thanksgiving would have been a total disaster if not for these perfect rolls.” — Uncle Jamie

“These rolls are better than the turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes combined.” — Cousin Katie

“djhfjhkjhjkhgjd [Unable to decipher because his mouth with delicious rolls].” –My Dad

Boom. Clap.

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Full disclosure: none of these quotes are true.

Happy Thanksgiving: No One Trusts Me

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We’re one week away from Thanksgiving, folks. I just wanted to share this little gem that I received in my email inbox about a week ago, which really details how little my family trusts my culinary skills:

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Shows some real confidence.

Well the joke is on you, Mom. Upon showing Jim McKenzie this note, he proclaimed: “We’re bringing the best f**cking rolls this side of the Eastern seaboard.” I am very unclear on what geographical area he is referring to, but I do know he is not messing around:

Not joking around.

Not joking around.

I will be sure to provide an update.

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10 People Who Should Have Been Named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” Over Chris Hemsworth

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Nope.

People Magazine has announced their 2014 “Sexiest Man Alive”… Aussie actor Chris Hemsworth (who is arguably not even the hottest Hemsworth). Listen, there no denying that the real life Thor is a good looking man, especially when he is snapped toting his tiny children around on his giant arms, but I do feel like this is a super obvious choice.

So, instead of my usual Midweek Roundup, I am going to list 10 people who SHOULD have been named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” over Chris Hemsworth.

Here we go:

10. Nick Jonas, Singer and Stud: Nick Jonas had zero shot making it onto this very important list prior to 8PM last night when my sister showed me the following video, but here we are. Living in a world where Nick Jonas is hot.

9. Guy From Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” Video: Who are you, stranger? Where have you been all my life?

Kennedy-esque if you ask me.

Kennedy-esque if you ask me.

8. Ben Affleck, Actor: He’s having A YEAR. And those “Batman” muscles don’t hurt one bit.

Those are the muscles we deserve, and the ones we need right now.

Those are the muscles we deserve, and the ones we need right now.

7. George Clooney, Husband of Amal Alamuddin (My Hero): Clooney’s place on this list has very little to do with his Old Hollywood looks and everything to do with the fact that I am obsessed with his wife.

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Pure perfection.

6. Prince George, Future King of England: I admit that including a toddler on a sexy list is weird and creepy, but I am thinking down the line people. Look at his parents. There’s no chance he isn’t going to be a front-runner for People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2040. This is how trends are started. I’m just trying to be a forward thinker.

Yes to all of the above

Yes to all of the above

5. Andy Cohen, “WWHL” Host and Ultimate Bravolebrity: There actually isn’t one other person in this world that I would rather be than Andy Cohen. Dude has been HUSTLING his new book, “The Andy Cohen Diaries,” this month and the constant publicity without being annoying lands him on this list. A tough feat indeed. Keep being awesome, Andy.

Living the dream. My dream.

Living the dream. My dream.

4. Pharrell Williams, Judge on “The Voice” (this is the only version of Pharrell I find sexy): Does anyone else want to kiss Pharrell on the lips every time he makes a statement on “The Voice”? Dude doesn’t say alot, but what he says has meaning. And is usually accompanied by this adorable smile:

Cheesin.

Cheesin.

3. Charlie Hunnam, “Sons of Anarchy” Star: Still extraordinarily bitter he isn’t in “50 Shades,” but life isn’t fair and I am going to have to deal with this on my own. I get it… but we all saw that butt on “Sons” last week. Hunnam was robbed.

Oh brother.

Oh brother.

2. Tim Riggins Taylor Kitsch, Actor: Texas forever.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

1. Jim McKenzie, My Husband: #HeyJim.

JimAmerica

American hero.

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Second-by-Second Breakdown of the ‘Peter Pan Live!’ Preview

Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@HibbsDontLie, yes that is a plug) may remember just how much I loved last year’s “Sound of Music Live!” television special. It was so bad and so good all at the same time, I couldn’t control my fingers or Tweets like a caged zoo animal set free into the wilderness for the first time ever. So.many.emotions. Jim had to go upstairs fairly early on in order not to kill me (#heyjim). True American star Carried Underwood just really delivered as Maria… hahahahhahahaha JK. She absolutely did not bless us with the sound of music, but she DID bless us with one of the worst live performances in the history of history, and for that I am thankful.

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Well guess what folks?! They are back at it again this holiday season with ANOTHER live musical event. This year’s installment? “Peter Pan Live!” My heart is already racing. A preview clip was recently released, and it promises all the gut wrenching awkwardness of “The Sound of Music LIVE!” and more. I.Cannot.Wait.

Follow along with the above video for my second-by-second commentary:

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:01 – Well this is already off to a good note since it is the same producers as “The Sound of Music Live.” You know what they say… if at first you don’t succeed, try again with the exact same team and a different mediocre star.

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:05 – Is that King Joffrey on the right? Is he just straight up reading off a script?

3

:09 – Christopher Walken doing his best Blue Steel as Captain Hook. Shit just got INTENSE.

all time

:10 – “Who is the greatest villain…”

:12 – …”of all time?” It takes Christopher Walken at least three seconds to spit this sentence out. The preview is only 41 seconds long, meaning that nearly 7.3% of this video is Walken delivering one single line. We are in for such a treat. And so many elongated vowels.

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:16 – Oh look, the daughter of beloved NBC anchor Brian Williams is playing the lead role! I wonder how she got this role? Just kidding. She got it because of nepotism. It certainly wasn’t her singing or acting on “Girls.”

5

:19 – This part reminded me that I don’t actually like Peter Pan. A boy who never grows up? Every single boy I know wants to not grow up. Real original, Pan.

clap:21 – Actually, now would be a good time to pose the question… why the f**k is Marnie from “Girls” playing PETER PAN? Yes, I know that traditionally the role is played by a woman (thanks, Wikipedia). I just don’t really get why. A grown woman as “the boy who never grows up” instead of an actual little boy… it makes no sense to me. Look at this picture, it isn’t as if there is a lack of little boys in the show.

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:23 – “Not me, not mey, not mey, not mey.” PLEASE TELL ME ALLISON WILLIAMS SPEAKS IN A BAD BRITISH ACCENT FOR THIS ENTIRE THING MY LIFE WILL BE MADE.

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:30 – See you December 4!

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A Second-by-Second Recap of the #RHOBH Season 5 Preview

I’m breaking down the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” teaser second-by-glorious-second. Follow along above.

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:01-:09 – Formal intros of the women. The only real takeaway here is that Giggy is still alive, kicking, and beating doggy alopecia everyday. Oh and Carlton and Joyce (Jacqueline) are GONEEEEE, thank the good lord. Continue reading